


You Found Me

by TeekiJane



Series: The Boys of Summer [31]
Category: Baby-Sitters Club - Ann M. Martin
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-16
Updated: 2014-01-16
Packaged: 2018-01-08 23:54:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1138974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TeekiJane/pseuds/TeekiJane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being unhappy is one thing. It's quite another when the cause of your misery is your own pride.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Found Me

**Author's Note:**

> This one goes out to all the readers who have followed the series this far. Only one more story to go! Thanks for reading.

_And I was hiding_  
_Till you came along_  
_And showed me where I belong_  
_You found me_  
Kelly Clarkson, You Found Me

**Haley**

It was about two-thirty in the afternoon on Friday. I’d been in Byron’s bedroom for about five minutes, and I was already annoying the crap out of him. 

I wasn’t doing it on purpose, mind you. He was trying to do some last minute sorting and packing, because he was headed off to college in the morning. I wasn’t actively doing anything to tick him off. The whole room sort of looked like a bomb exploded in it, which is _so_ not By. He’s usually a little anal about organization. The only fight I’ve ever really heard him get into with Nick was about Nick being a slob. But this mess actually fit into that. He was being horribly OCD about where everything went and how it was organized, both among the things he was taking with him and the ones he was leaving behind. And it didn’t seem to matter where I sat in the room—even on Nick’s bed—I was just always in the way. 

I had just sat down on top of Nick’s desk and pulled my feet up with me when there was a knock at the door. “Come in,” By called distractedly. 

Vanessa poked her head in the door. “Wanted to see how it was going in here,” she said with a smirk. That expression said everything—she really just wanted to see how big of a mess he’d made. 

He didn’t even look up at her. “I don’t think I’m ever going to get this done,” he said with a sigh. 

She shook her head. “You say that about everything, but you always meet your deadlines,” Vanessa said, not unkindly. By turned to actually look at her and shrugged, then went back to sorting. 

Vanessa surveyed the room again and spotted me curled up in a ball. “Haley,” she said, sounding shocked, “I’m surprised you’re allowed in here without a chaperone.” 

It was my turn to shrug. “I guess your parents finally figured out there was no risk of anything happening between me and Byron,” I suggested. Actually, we hadn’t even asked if I was allowed in his bedroom; we’d just assumed. That in and of itself was kind of a big step for him; he wasn’t usually one to assume his parents were going to approve of anything. 

Vanessa leaned on the doorjamb. “I was actually just about to call you. Charlotte called. She’s inviting ‘the girls’ over for the afternoon, just to hang out. You want to come? She said it’s okay if you’d like to join us.” 

There was something about her tone of voice on that last part that made me really pause. “I was going to spend the afternoon here with By,” I said. It was true. He was ditching me in the morning for more exciting places and people, and I wanted just one more day of By and Hay before we went back to being Byron and Haley—separately—again. 

By pulled his attention away from the pile he’d made and shoved back into his dresser drawer. He looked straight at me. “Go,” he said firmly. I opened my mouth to protest and he shut me down. “I want to spend time with you too, but I _have_ to finish this. It’ll take me a couple hours tops if you’re not here. If you stay, you’ll distract me. It’ll take me all day.” He looked at his watch. “Call me at five o’clock. Anything that’s not finished, I’ll shove back into this drawer here in my desk and leave there. But give me a couple of hours.” 

He doesn’t get bossy like that very often, but when he does, he’s the stubbornest creature on earth. There’s absolutely no arguing with him. “Alright,” I said. I looked down below my bare feet, trying to find a path out the door. “I’m hopping down off here. Do me a favor and move that…what is that thing?” 

He picked up the green action figure and chuckled. “It’s one of the Wandering Frog People,” he said, amazed. “I thought Adam had hoarded all of these after I stopped sharing a room with him and Jordan. He sold them at a garage sale for fifty cents a couple years ago.” 

I jumped lightly off the dresser, landing on my toes. “What are you going to do with it?” I asked him. He shrugged half-heartedly, not really thinking about it. I snatched it from him. “Let me keep it. I’ll put it on my dresser and ask it questions sometimes. I’ll pretend it’s you and think of what you’d say.” 

I’d forgotten Vanessa was there until she started laughing. “Looks just like him, too,” she said. Byron picked up a stress ball shaped like a soccer ball and threw it at her. She picked it off the floor. “Oh, Byron, let me keep this stress ball so that I can squeeze it and think of you,” she quipped, rubbing it on her face. 

He flicked her off. “Get out of here, both of you,” he called as I made my way to the door. After Vanessa left, still laughing, he spoke again. “Call me later, Hay. Please.” 

I nodded. “See you later, By.” I stuffed the Wandering Frog into the back pocket of my capris. 

I caught up to Vanessa at the bottom of the stairs. She still had the soccer ball in one hand, but she set it on the kitchen table. I picked my purse off the counter and she grabbed up her latest purse, shaped like Hello Kitty, from a hook in the mud room. I thought back to what had made me uneasy about Vanessa’s invitation. “Did Charlotte really invite me to her house?” I asked. 

She looked unsettled herself. “Kinda-sorta,” she said. 

We headed out the back door and I gave her a look. “And what does _that_ mean?” 

Vanessa screwed up her nose and closed one eye. “I asked if you could come along. She said ‘whatever.’” 

That made me even more uneasy. There’d been a time, back in the day, when Vanessa, Charlotte, Becca and I had done a lot of things together. But I’d always been Vanessa’s best friend, and Charlotte and Becca had always been best friends. Charlotte would invite just Becca over, or just Vanessa, but she rarely just called me, and I rarely just called her. As we’d gotten older, I’d never been entirely sure what Charlotte had thought about me. 

I was debating going to Charlotte’s internally. On one hand, if she didn’t really want me to be there, she could potentially be unpleasant. On the other hand, I really wasn’t in the mood to go home and wallow in self-pity. I’d done enough of that recently. So I followed Vanessa all the way to the Johanssens’. 

Becca was the one who greeted us at the door. “Hey,” she called, holding the screen door open for Vanessa. When I came through, she gave me a hug. “It’s good to see you, Haley,” she said warmly. 

I hugged her back. “And you, too.” I hadn’t really taken a good look at her for a while. She had grown tall and willowy, like her sister, though if I’d had to guess, I’d have said she was probably still as clumsy as ever. Becca was wearing a sun dress that was low cut and showed off her cleavage—what little she had. She was almost as flat chested as I was. It was a pretty shade of green and looked beautiful against her skin. “You look great,” I said. 

She smiled shyly. “Really? I’m never quite sure about this dress. I feel a little…exposed…when I wear it.” 

Vanessa put her purse down on the floor and left her shoes next to it. “I keep telling Becca,” she said to me, “not to worry about exposure. Look at her. If she held herself up straighter, she could totally be a model.” 

Becca squirmed. “Charlotte stepped into the bathroom,” she said, trying to change the subject, “but she should be right out.” 

And she was. Like Becca, she’d grown up to be pretty gorgeous. Her hair was this really pretty shade of brown, and it fell in natural waves. She wore it so that it hung across her eyes a little bit—not like By hides behind his, but more naturally. Everything about Charlotte other than that was medium—she was average height and the right weight for her height, but she dressed very well. She had a very well fitted pair of jeans that accentuated her natural curves without leaving any bulges and she paired it with a yellow silk blouse. She was only sixteen, but if hadn’t known that, I might have thought she was twenty-one. “Hi, Charlotte,” I said, feeling awkward. I was suddenly glad Vanessa was into dressing like an overgrown toddler these days. If not, I might have felt really immature standing next to those two. 

She glanced over at me briefly. “Oh, hi,” she said, as if I was barely worth greeting. 

I turned to Vanessa, who shrugged. “So what’s the plan for the afternoon?” she asked. 

Charlotte raised one shoulder in a half-shrug of her own. “We didn’t really have one. We always manage to find things to do anyway, right?” she said idly. Vanessa turned to look at Becca, who raised her eyebrows, and they both turned to look at me. I raised my hands up in the air as if to say, ‘Don’t look at me—I’m just along for the ride.’ 

The four of us trudged up to Charlotte’s room. I hadn’t been in there since I was fourteen, a couple weeks before I’d really last spoken to her and Becca. It hadn’t really changed much in the past three years. A few of the posters were different, but the bedding and everything else was the same. A few fashion magazines were laid out on the bed and Becca flopped down in front of one of them. “Anyone read the confessions page in this month’s Cosmo yet?” she asked. 

Vanessa and I shook our heads. “My mom has a subscription, but she doesn’t let me see it until she’s done reading it…and she’s ripped out almost all the articles about sex,” I said, still shaking my head—not in answer to the question any more, but at my mom’s idea of keeping me ‘safe.’ 

Becca laughed. “Because you don’t know _anything_ about sex already,” she said as she flipped the page, looking for the article in question. 

“And like you couldn’t just pick up a copy at the grocery store anyway.” Charlotte sat down near the foot of the bed and folded her legs up in front of her, the way they made us sit in kindergarten. Vanessa also found a seat on the bed, near Becca’s butt. You could tell the three of them had sat that way on numerous occasions since Vanessa had started hanging out with them again. 

Only trouble was, they hadn’t left me a place to sit. 

Instead, I backed up near the door, where there was a bare patch of wall. I slid down onto the floor, so that I could see them and they could see me. “Pass me one of those magazines,” I called. 

Becca sat upright, realizing why I was on the floor. “Sorry…I can make room for you over here,” she said, looking a little embarrassed. 

I shook my head. I wasn’t sure why, but I didn’t really want to join them on the bed. Something about even being in the room was even more awkward than I’d expected, even though Becca had been warmer and more solicitous than I’d thought she’d be. “I’m fine down here for now.” She tossed a magazine down to me. It was an older issues of Cosmo, one I’d read before. I turned to the index, hoping to find the article about orgasms my mom had removed. 

We were quiet for a few minutes before Charlotte threw aside the magazine she was looking at. “This is boring,” she said, and even though the article had been informative, I had to agree with her. “It’s Friday afternoon,” she added with a sigh. “Back in middle school, we thought we’d be busy every Friday and Saturday night. Remember that? We thought we’d have dates every weekend night and social schedules so chock full we weren’t sure we’d have time to do our homework.” 

Vanessa leaned over. “Oh, yeah! And we all were going to have these steady, long term boyfriends. We were all going to follow our guys to college, and then we were all going to get married at the same time and each have exactly two children—one boy, one girl.” 

Becca snorted. “I remember that! I think my boyfriend was going to be named Beau. I don’t even know any guys named Beau now.” 

Charlotte had started giggling. “Mine was Trevor, I think.” She paused. “Or was it Travis? Something like that.” 

Even Vanessa had started laughing. “And mine had a soap opera name. Brick or Stone or Ridge or something.” 

Becca leaned off the bed toward me. “What about you, Haley? Do you remember your boyfriend’s name?” 

I furrowed my brow. I couldn’t even remember the game they were talking about, never mind the name of my imaginary boyfriend. “Sorry. I don’t,” I said, a little sadly. I kinda wished I _did_ remember, because maybe it would make me feel more at ease with the three of them. 

Charlotte glanced over at me for the first time since we’d had a seat. “Don’t mind Haley,” she said to Becca and Vanessa. “She’s got better memories than the ones she made with us.” 

I couldn’t read her expression, exactly. Part of what she said sounded holier-than-thou, but another part sounded upset…like she was still annoyed over something I’d said or done back in the day. In any case, I felt myself stiffen. “And what is that supposed to mean?” I asked. 

I saw Becca look at Vanessa and that’s when I _knew_ that Charlotte was nursing an old grudge. Becca knew exactly what Charlotte’s problem with me was. (She’s even easier to read than Byron, and he wears his emotions on his face.) Charlotte turned back toward me and unfolded her legs so they were in front of her, pointing her bare feet toward me. “It means that you never really did like hanging out with us, did you? You always had better things to do.” 

She didn’t sound angry, but she was a little accusatory. “I’m still not sure what you’re saying,” I said, and I wasn’t. The four of us had always done everything together until the summer before we started high school and my world had fallen apart. I still didn’t quite understand why Charlotte and Becca had stopped being friends with Vanessa and me, but I had a feeling I was about to find out. 

Charlotte edged forward to the side of the bed and leaned over toward me. “That summer, you were the first one of us to really find a guy. And suddenly, we weren’t good enough for you anymore. Everything out of your mouth was about your new guy.” She frowned briefly at the memory. “You turned into a boy-crazy…nympho.” 

Becca giggled nervously, partly at the tension and partly over Charlotte’s turn of phrase. I didn’t feel like laughing; instead, tears welled up in my eyes. That tended to happen anytime someone brought up Dominic. I didn’t answer Charlotte right away, because I didn’t want her to know I was crying. After a moment I looked up at the ceiling. “I didn’t mean to do that,” I said quietly, knowing anything louder would turn into a sob. “I was just excited. I wanted you guys to be excited with me.” 

Vanessa spoke for the first time in a while. “Charlotte knows that,” she said, giving Char a look. “She was just jealous, and I think maybe she still is.” 

Charlotte looked surprised for a moment. She lowered her head for a second and then looked back at me. I was still gazing at the ceiling but I could see her out of the corner of my eye. “Yeah,” she said finally. “I was definitely jealous of you back then. I mean, when you stopped hanging out with us, you started hanging out only with guys.” I wiped tears out of my eyes with the back of my hand. I’d never thought of having only one friend in the world as ‘hanging out only with guys’ but I guess it was true…at least from Charlotte’s point of view. I mean, By _is_ a guy, even if I’ve never had a single romantic thought about him. 

I looked back at Charlotte and smiled tentatively at her. She looked me over critically for a moment, and then made up her mind. She shifted back to her old seat and folded her legs again. She patted the spot next to her. “Come sit with us,” she said. 

I stood up and wiped my cheek where one tear had escaped. It had been a teary couple of weeks for me. I’d quit wearing eye makeup because of it. Becca scooted the magazines out of my way and I plopped down my butt, leaving my legs hanging off the edge of the bed in case I needed to make a fast escape. “I wouldn’t say me hanging out with Byron is something to be jealous of,” I said, still sniffling a little. “After all, it’s not like we were doing anything nymphos do, right?” 

Vanessa laughed and Charlotte blushed a little. Becca picked up one of the magazines, but she didn’t open it. “So, senior year for you three,” she pointed out. “Got any plans for what you want to do to make it memorable?” 

Charlotte shook her head. “I’m still trying to narrow down where I want to apply for college. My only goals for this year are to get good grades and get accepted somewhere my parents will be proud of.” She paused and smiled at me. “And maybe finally get myself a boyfriend, right?” 

I smiled back. “I might try out for _Guys and Dolls_. I haven’t made up my mind. Oh, and I’m going to try to make as many home football games as my work schedule will allow.” 

Vanessa bent her knees and pulled them up in front of her. “Football? Why?” 

I pretended to be insulted by the question. “I love football.” 

“Again, why?” 

I shrugged. “There’s something so primal about it. It’s like the modern version of gladiator fights. Even though there are plays and moves, the players are really just getting down to basic instinct. Tackle, dodge, run! I love watching the players all smash into each other, the tangle of bodies.” 

Becca giggled. “You almost make it sound sexy.” 

Vanessa laughed long and hard, leaning back against Charlotte’s headboard. We all turned to her. “Oh, my goddess, Haley,” she said. “We have _got_ to get you laid.” 

Charlotte nudged Becca. “Her goddess?” she repeated. 

Becca shrugged that part off. “You’re still a virgin, Haley?” she asked curiously. “I would have thought….”

I cocked my head at her. “Are you calling me a slut?” I teased. Becca grinned. 

Vanessa sat back up and looked at Becca. “No, you’ve just heard enough stories about my brother that you assumed there’s no way Haley could have dated him for four months and still be a virgin.” I felt a pang when she referred to my relationship with Jordan in the past tense. “We could find you a new guy really easily, you know. For example, P’s friend Bill likes you.” 

“Oh yeah,” Becca said gleefully. “I forgot that you had a new man. How are things going with P?” 

Vanessa smiled. “Absolutely great. I’m so glad we found each other. We’re having a good time.” 

“I’ll bet,” Becca said with a giggle. “A really good time.” Vanessa gave her a little shove. 

“So. A guy for Haley.” Charlotte leaned forward, rubbing her hands together. She seemed intrigued at the idea. “What about that guy from _Grease_? What was his name? He played Danny and followed you around like a puppy for a while.” 

I raised my eyebrow, surprised Char had noticed that. It had taken me a few weeks to figure it out myself. “Brandt Santoni?” I supplied. 

“That’s him. I bet you could get him to go out with you.” 

I shrugged. The whole conversation was making me uncomfortable. “I’m really not interested in Brandt or anyone else. And I especially don’t want to find a guy just so I can sleep with him.” 

Vanessa turned to Charlotte. “See, not a nympho,” she pointed out. Charlotte threw a teddy bear at her. Vanessa turned back to me. “Well, why not? What’s the matter with finding you a guy? You aren’t dating anyone,” she said pointedly. 

I shrugged helplessly. “I’m not really looking for a man.” I knew all three of them were staring at me. 

Vanessa raised an eyebrow. “The best way to get over a guy is to find another guy,” she asserted—as if she’d dated more than two guys in her whole life and just _knew_ these types of things. 

I wrinkled my nose. I didn’t really _want_ to get over Jordan particularly. “I’m not ready,” I said lamely. I was ready to cry again. 

Charlotte was looking at me funny. “What’s bothering you, Haley?” she asked. 

I broke eye contact with all of them and looked down at my lap. “I don’t know. I just don’t really want to go out with anyone, okay? I can’t picture having a date or doing…anything…with any guy but Jordan.” 

Becca frowned sympathetically, but Charlotte took a different direction. “Well, why did you break up with him, then?” she asked quizzically. 

I screwed up my mouth. “I didn’t break up with him; he broke up with me.” 

“Bullshit!” Vanessa trilled. We all three turned to look at her. She rolled her legs underneath her so she was kneeling and leaned forward toward me. “He might have been the one to actually sever ties, but you need to cut the crap. You drove him to it.” She leaned further forward, supporting herself on one hand, and pointed the other at my face. “I know how your brain works, sister. You wanted to hurt Jordan before he could hurt you. Well, congratulations. It worked. Jordan called from school last night. And just like every other time he’s called, he was _crying_. Do you have any idea what it takes to make Jordan cry?” 

I did, in fact. I’d only seen him cry once—the night I told him I was raped, when he’d first told me he loved me. I didn’t reply to Vanessa; instead I scooted off the bed and backed away from her. Vanessa took that for what it was—confirmation of everything she’d just said. “Look,” she said, more gently this time. She sat back on her heels. “Date my brother, don’t date my brother. I don’t care about that. What I do care about is how you are now. You’re obviously unhappy, so why are you being so stubborn about it? Ditch your pride, get down on your knees and beg for his forgiveness.” Her expression softened even more. “Or get past it and move on. Whatever. I just don’t like seeing you miserable like this.” 

I looked towards the door. “Okay,” I said quietly. The other three girls were staring at me now, the way you’d look at a car wreck, and that’s what I felt like. “I think I’ll be going now.” 

Charlotte made another face, but I could read this one—it looked regretful. “No, don’t go. Stick around. We’ll find another topic.” 

I shook my head. I was, among other things, developing a major headache. “Next time you have everyone over, call me, okay? I’ll be here.” She smiled lightly. “It was good seeing you again, Char, Becca. Later.” 

I saw Vanessa get up as I walked out the door and saw myself out. I stopped on the front stoop and tried to gather myself together, but it was a losing battle. Vanessa followed me out the door. “You okay?” she asked. 

I was sobbing as turned to look at her. I started walking and she followed, catching up quickly. I looked straight ahead as I finally spoke between sobs. “I didn’t mean to hurt Jordan,” I said, scrunching up my face, attempting once again to stop crying. 

“I know that,” Vanessa said gently. I looked at her for a moment. “Look, you wouldn’t be _this_ upset about it if that had been your goal. But I was right about you trying to push him away so he wouldn’t hurt you, wasn’t I?” 

I didn’t answer right away, but she kept her eyes, which were so much like her brothers’, on me. “Maybe,” I said finally, knowing she’d take that as a yes. 

“I thought so. I couldn’t quite grasp what had happened between the two of you at first. Jordan was head over heels for you, and you told me just a couple weeks ago that you loved him. I knew something must have shifted if you two broke up.” Vanessa was quiet for a moment. “I’m the one who broke up with Devon, so I can’t really relate to what you’re going through. I was glad to be rid of him for the most part. And now I’ve found someone way better.” She looked thoughtful for a moment. “Byron said…and I know you love Byron’s advice…that he’d always pictured me having a guy I could bring home to dinner with the Pike family zoo. And I think P could handle that. In fact, I think he’d enjoy it.” 

My tears were quiet now and almost done. “As much as anyone can enjoy a dinner with the Pikes,” I commented. I’d had one myself just a couple weeks ago. 

She smiled. “Right!” 

I turned to her. “Have you and P slept together yet?” Vanessa made a face at me, but I went on. “Hey, you were the one trying to get me laid a short time ago. I can ask this.”

“Nope. I’m in no hurry, either. I regret my first, and I don’t want to regret my second. I want to make sure I know the real him—not just an act that he puts on—before I do something like that.”

I nodded. “Makes sense.” 

She grinned. “Oh, and after the conversation we had this afternoon, I think I’m going to try introducing P’s friend Bill to Charlotte. He’s kinda sweet and sensitive beneath the tough skater exterior. I think they’d like each other. And I know she thinks her life would be tons more interesting if she had a boyfriend.” 

I smiled despite myself. “Life _is_ more interesting with a boyfriend. It’s just also way more complicated.” 

Vanessa eyed me critically. “Yeah, I hear ya.” She sighed. “It’s so much easier when it’s just you. You don’t have to worry about whether he’ll like how you dress or what you say or do. You can make plans without consulting with him. And don’t even get me started on sex.” 

“Yup. Sex is the toughest.” 

She turned to me as we continued to walk. “Waddya know about it? You are a virgin, aren’t you?” I stopped in my tracks and bit my lip. “Haley? Haaaaaley?!?” 

I looked away from her. “Sorta.” 

“Sorta?” Vanessa repeated dubiously. “How can you sorta be a virgin? It’s like being pregnant. You either are or you aren’t.” 

I bit my lip harder and had to stop because I tasted blood. “Byron said it doesn’t count if….”

I had her complete attention, and it was making me squirm. “Doesn’t count if _what_? You do it standing up? You use a condom? He pulls out? What?” She grabbed my arm. “Tell me so that I can know which of my lamentable experiences I can discount.” 

I hadn’t wanted to say it, but I knew I couldn’t get out of it now. “It doesn’t count if you said no.” 

She stared at me, dropping my arm. “Not Jordan,” she said slowly. 

I started walking again, desperate to get home and crawl into my bed. “No. Not Jordan,” I confirmed. 

“Who, then?” 

I was still walking at a fair clip. “It was a long time ago,” I told her, looking straight ahead. 

Vanessa’s mouth was hanging open. “Dominic,” she said in sudden recognition. I nodded pitifully. “Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“I tried, remember? You told me it was my own fault for going out with a senior.” 

Her eyes grew round. “Oh, my goddess,” she said for the second time that day. “I always wondered why you got so mad at me back then.” I looked at her for the first time since I’d started walking again. “You stormed off like I’d insulted you in the worst way possible…which I guess I did. I’m sorry.” 

“And I’m sorry too. For a couple things.” She raised an eyebrow. “First for not being clearer about what happened back when we talked. I still have a hard time saying the words to what happened to me. I have flashbacks and nightmares all the time about it to this day.” Vanessa pursed her lips and looked uncomfortable. “The second thing is that I’m sorry for not staying friends with you afterward. I’m going to tell you something now. You have to promise never to tell your brother this, okay? You know Byron walked me home, the whole couple hundred feet of it, after we got into that huge fight. And then I called to talk to him the next day, remember? I didn’t call because I really wanted to talk to him. I did it because I wanted to piss you off.” 

She chuckled. “I had a feeling. And it worked.” I smiled at her. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell Byron, but I don’t think it would bother him so much anymore. He definitely got the best part of the deal in that arrangement.” 

We were standing in front of my house. “Thanks for inviting me today. Even though I didn’t have a good time particularly, I’m glad I went.” 

“Anytime,” she said breezily. “Two things before I leave you here. First of all, if you ever tell Jordan that I stood up for him in any way, I will have to kill you.” I actually chuckled. “Second, maybe sometime next week, you could invite us all over? That would show Charlotte you were serious about being friends with her again.” 

“That’s a good idea.” I tested the door. Locked. I fished around in my wallet for my house key. “I honestly can’t believe that Char was jealous of me. I’m the most fucked up person I know.” 

Vanessa laughed. “Ah, but you hide it so well most of the time.” I smiled back at her. “See you later, Haley.” 

“Yup. Later.” 

I went straight up to my bedroom and checked the clock. It was too early to call Byron, so I decided to take a nap. I drew the curtains, climbed into bed and rolled over onto my stomach. I heard the patter of tiny feet and Hermione jumped into the bed with me—something she doesn’t do too often. “How’d you know I needed a kitty right about now?” I asked as she head butted me. 

Hermione curled up around my head and purred herself to sleep. I, on the other hand, wasn’t so lucky. Even though I wanted to sleep, I couldn’t turn off my brain. I kept thinking about what Vanessa said about me and Jordan. I probably needed to call him so I could sort things out. I had a lot of regrets in my life—going out with Dominic, the way things went with Vanessa, and a lot of other little piddly things that I had trouble getting past—but none of them hurt so badly as the choice I’d made with Jordan. 

I was just afraid that he wouldn’t be willing to talk to me. 

I lay there thinking, running the same couple thoughts through my head for longer than I should have. I actually gave myself a stomachache doing it. Finally I got up, carefully extricating myself from the Hermione pillow, and went over to the scribble wall. I needed some schlock and schmaltz to get me past this moment. I read every word that was written on it, starting on one side and working my way to the other. I was just about finished when I discovered something new I’d never seen before. Down in the corner, almost hidden by my desk, was a sentence I hadn’t noticed in the past. I don’t know when it was put there, but I recognized the handwriting right away. The words put tears in my eyes again. ‘Always remember how much I love you,’ Jordan had written. 

That made up my mind. I went to fish my cell phone out of my pocket. Instead, I pulled out Byron’s Wandering Frog figure. I placed it on my night stand and sat down on my bed. “By, should I call your brother?” I asked it. 

Of course it didn’t answer, but I could hear By’s voice all the same: ‘Of course, you doofus. Make up with him already.’ I reached into my other pocket and pulled out my phone. Before we’d broken up, Jordan had given me his school phone number and I’d programed it in. I pulled up his entry and, with a deep breath, pressed send. The call was picked up on the second ring. “Hello?” a deep voice I didn’t recognize said. 

I almost lost my nerve. “Is Jordan in?” I asked. 

“Sure is. Hang on.” It must have been Dave, Jordan’s roommate. I heard him talking directly to Jordan. “There’s a chick on the phone for you, and it’s long distance from Connecticut. If you want to tell her to fuck off, you’re going to have to do it yourself. I’m not doing your dirty work for you.” 

I cringed. Obviously he’d heard a little bit about me, and none of it had been good. It took a while before Jordan picked up the phone. “Hello,” he said, very tentatively. 

“Jordan? It’s Haley.” 

“I know,” he said with a sigh. “What do you want?” 

I had to get the words out. “I need to tell you how sorry I am. I’ve been a complete idiot. I know you’d never cheat on me or do anything to purposely hurt me, and I never should have said those things I said when you left. I hope you can forgive me.” 

He was quiet for a moment. “I know it’s hard for you to trust,” he said finally, “but I put my whole heart and soul into our relationship, and you couldn’t even trust me enough to realize it.” 

“I know that now,” I said. I was crying again. “I’ve realized you were pretty much the best thing to ever happen to me. Even if you can’t get past this, I’m a better person just for having been with you. You taught me that not all guys are scum, and it’s been one of the hardest lessons I’ve ever had to learn.” He didn’t reply. “I’m hoping someday I’ll be able to earn back _your_ trust, but even if I can’t, I need you to know that. I need to thank you.” 

There was another pause, a lengthier one this time. “I really have to go,” he said finally, although this time his voice was different. He didn’t sound guarded or defensive, but sad and tired. 

“Bye, Jordan. I love you.” 

“Bye, Haley.” And he was gone. 

I climbed back onto the bed. Hermione had run off while I was on the phone, but she left a warm, furry spot on my pillow. I put my head face down on the non-furry part of the pillow and cried myself to sleep. 

I was awakened by a knock at the door. I groggily sat up as the door opened and By stepped into my room. He was carrying a beach bag that looked vaguely familiar. “Matt let me in,” he said as he sat down at the end of my bed. “You forgot to call me.” 

I looked at the clock. Five-thirteen. “Oops. Sorry. I fell asleep.” 

“No worries,” he said. I flipped on my bedside lamp. It was still very much daylight, but the curtains were still drawn, making it rather dark in my room. I wanted to be able to see his face. “Someone else called me instead. They wanted me to bring you this.” He set the beach bag on the bed. 

I looked the bag over. “They wanted you to bring me my old beach bag?” I asked. I hadn’t seen that bag since I was eleven. 

By looked surprised. “This is yours?” he asked. “I found it down in the junk room. No, it’s just the carrying vessel for the gift.” 

He had my full attention now. “Gift?” 

“Yup.” He pulled a box out of the bag. It was sloppily wrapped in paper that said ‘Happy birthday! You’re three!’ and had pictures of dinosaurs all over it. I shook my head both at the paper and the wrap job as he handed it to me. 

I gingerly slid a finger under a gap in the paper and ripped it open. I knew the gift wasn’t from By because his wrapping is always super neat, but my brain was still half asleep and I couldn’t figure out who was giving me a present…until I opened it. 

It was a plain white t-shirt, at least five sizes too large for me, that was worn somewhere between that softened stage and being threadbare. I recognized it right away and brought it to my nose, taking a deep sniff. It smelled like deodorant and Irish Spring…and like him. He hadn’t washed the shirt, just like the last time he’d loaned it to me. I pulled it away from my nose and hugged it close to my body. In my head, I was hugging him. 

By was watching me closely. “Everything okay?” he asked. 

I pulled the shirt on over my own top. “I called him earlier,” I said softly, still breathing in his scent. “I told him how sorry I was, but I didn’t think it had done any good.” 

He nodded. “It took you two weeks to admit that you’d been wrong. Jordan’s nearly as stubborn as you are. You think he’d instantly forgive you?” 

“I’m not going to complain,” I said. By smiled at me. “I’m just glad he decided to forgive me at all.” 

“He’s going to call you tonight so you two can really talk,” By said. I smiled a little bit. I still felt like crying, but somehow I knew things were going to be better after this. By opened the bag and pulled out something else, which he grasped in one hand. “Does this mean you’re going to be a little more secure with me leaving tomorrow?” 

He had to go and remind me. “Don’t even talk about that. I’m still mad at you for ditching me.” 

Byron sighed as he put the small item back in the bag. “As much as I am looking forward to blowing this town, I wish I could take you with me.” 

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, right.” 

“Yes. Correct.” I smiled at his rephrasing of my sarcasm. “I’m just as unhappy about us not being in the same state as you are, believe it or not. You know I’m not one for making friends easily or dealing with crowds of people.” 

“You’re going to be just fine,” I assured him. He wrinkled his nose. “You’re not the same person you were three years ago, when you didn’t really have any friends. You know who you are now, and you’re not embarrassed by that. You’ve got built in groups of friends, because you’ll have lab partners and study groups and what not. You could even join some LBGT support group if you want to.” 

He shook his head but smiled a little. “And you’re going to be fine, too, you know that?” he replied. “You’re way tougher than you think you are.” 

“Hey,” I joked, “I’m the one with the balls in this friendship, remember?” 

By grinned back at me. “You certainly are.” He stretched out along the bed and I plopped down next to him. “What should we do with our last couple hours?” he asked. 

I groaned for a moment. “Well, my parents will be home soon. Do you want to eat with them or go out to eat or what?” 

“Eat here, of course. It’s tradition.” 

***

After dinner, we traipsed back to my bedroom and I plopped myself down on my chair. By sat on my desk. “What part of college life are you most looking forward to?” I asked him. 

He thought about that for a moment. “The freedom.” I smiled at the thought. It was something I was looking forward to myself. “It’s a lot of different kinds of freedom, you know? I mean, I don’t have to be home at a certain time. I don’t have to come home at all, if I don’t want to.” Byron wrinkled his nose, and I know he was thinking about how he’d gotten in trouble for falling asleep at Jeff’s. “But it’s more than that. I can really decide who I want to be, because I won’t know a single other person who knows anything about me.” 

I had the sudden image of By wearing leather, his hair in a mohawk, smoking a cigarette and ditching class. I started giggling and he gave me a strange look. “You can’t change who you are,” I said after I stopped laughing. 

He gave a half-smile. “Not deep down at your core. But you can shift. You can either make up your mind to change your attitude, same as you can make up your mind to change your style. Or something can happen to you that changes things for you.” 

I had another sudden image, this one a flashback from three years before of getting into the back seat of Dominic’s Toyota. I shivered. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” 

He leaned back against my window, still looking at me. “I should know. I’ve changed more in the past six months than I have in the whole eighteen years before that. I came out. I found Jeff again…and fell in love. I’m closer to my family than I ever really have been before. I found out we all had so much more in common than I thought.” 

I swiveled my chair around and looked at him. “Oh really?” He shrugged and smiled. “I get you, Adam and Jordan being closer. You all kinda found some common ground. Even Jordan and Adam figured some things out between them, and they were close from the start. But I don’t get how you’re any closer to anyone else in your family. What do you have in common with your sisters, for example?” 

By swung his foot around in a circle. “We all like guys,” he said with a smirk. 

I grinned back at him. “I walked right into that one, didn’t I?” He shook his head, his eyes shining bright. “Okay, Mr. Smarty Pants, what about Nick? What in the hell do you have in common with Nick?” 

He pulled his legs up so his bare feet were on the desk in front of him. “Oh,” he said brightly, “Nick and I have a lot in common. He’s exactly how I would have been if I hadn’t had you in my life.” 

I scoffed at him. “Yeah, right.” 

“No, seriously.” I looked into his eyes, and I could see he was completely sincere. “Nick is the way he is because he lost all his friends. Different circumstances, same outcome. I could have totally turned out that way.” I raised my eyebrows. “Remember earlier this summer when you said that, if it weren’t for me, you might have turned into a boyfriend stealing whore?” I nodded with a smile at the memory. “Well, if it weren’t for you, I could have turned into a complete recluse.” 

I leaned back in my chair and pulled my feet up underneath me. “Okay, then.” I couldn’t argue with him when he put it that way. 

By chuckled. “Actually,” he said, leaning forward again, looking me straight in the eye. “Nick’s not doing too badly for himself. You know what he was doing when I left? He was getting ready for his first date. He called Tiff’s sister Maria. Even though he told Mom and everyone else he asked her out, I was right there during the conversation. _She_ asked him out. But I think he’d called her to get up the nerve to do just that, so it worked out pretty well for them.” 

So Nick was going on a date with his brother’s ex-girlfriend’s sister? Weird, but good for him anyway. “That’s kinda sweet,” I observed. 

He hopped down off the desk, one of his knees popping as he did. I winced in sympathy, but he didn’t even bat an eye as he sat down on my bed. “He actually asked me for advice.” I put my hand on my desk and spun myself around so that I was facing him again. “I told him two things: first and foremost, always be a gentleman. And listen to both your heart and your head, but if they disagree, follow your heart.” 

I stared at him. “Aww, By, that’s beautiful. How come you never give me advice like that?” 

He rolled his eyes, but he was grinning. “Like you listen to me anyway,” he said with laugh. “Why would I waste my best material on you?” 

***

We were still talking a couple hours later. “Didn’t your parents want to have a goodbye with you and your whole family?” I asked him. Don’t get me wrong; I was honored he’d chosen to spend his last evening in Stoneybrook with me. But I know that if I were the one leaving for the next so many months, my parents would want to hog my attention on the last night. 

We were sitting back to back on my bed at this point. “We did that yesterday,” Byron said. “It’s not like it’s a whole family thing anyway,” he said, sounding sad and just a little bit panicked. I’d been waiting for that panic to set in. “I mean, both Mal and Jordan are already gone. We had a mandatory family evening shortly before Jordan left, so that all ten of us were in one spot for one night. Mom gave all of us wallet-sized copies of the family portrait we had done back in June, thanks to you. She can’t get over how ‘thoughtful’ we all were to come up with that.” 

I beamed. Somehow, I’d just known that By and Jordan’s mom would love that. “It turned out great,” I said. They’d hung a full-sized copy in their living room, and I’d admired it on a couple occasions. 

“Yeah, it did.” He lay down on the bed and rolled around so he was facing me. I turned over my shoulder. “How am I going to survive at school, Hay? I’ve always been surrounded by people who know me. First it was my brothers protecting me from the big, bad world. Then it was you. I’m not going to have anyone off at Duke.” 

I chuckled at his predictable paranoia. “By, you’re the one who said, earlier this evening, that you were starting over fresh. Freedom, remember? You’re going to have to protect yourself, because you’re a big boy now. You’ll be just fine.” 

He shook his head. “You’ll be my long-distance cheering section, though, right?” 

“Of course!” I grinned at him. “And if you need me to, I’ll drive down to North Carolina and punch someone in the face for you. But save that for a last resort, will ya?” 

By actually smiled, but before he could reply, my cell phone rang. I knew who it must be, because only a couple people had the number. Sure enough, I looked at the display and lit up. “Before you answer that,” he said, “two things. First, come over in the morning and say goodbye.” I made a face. “Second, there’s something else for you in the bag. Jordan wanted you to open it while you’re on the phone with him, so I needed you to know that. G’night, Hay.” He left without waiting for me to return the phrase. 

I hurriedly answered Jordan’s call before it went to voice mail. “Hello?” 

He still sounded cautious. “Haley?” 

“Yes, Jordan?” 

“I’m sorry for breaking up with you,” he said quietly. 

“That was my fault,” I admitted. “I wasn’t aiming for that, but I know now that I caused it. I’m sorry, too.” 

“Good,” he said, sounding a little more cheery. “Enough apologies. Let’s start over fresh. Did Byron bring you my gift?” 

“Yeah. I’m wearing your shirt right now, right over my tank top.” I pulled it up to my nose again. “And he just told me there’s something else, too.” I found the beach bag hung on the post of my bed and reached inside. The only thing in there was the little box By had been playing with earlier. 

“Open it now,” Jordan urged. I did, and there was a delicate little ring with a small pearl on it. “Does it fit?” he asked. “I had to guess your size.” 

I put it on the ring finger on my right hand. “Just about perfectly.” 

“Good,” he said for a second time, and now he sounded more hopeful. “I asked the lady at the jewelry counter to help me pick out something that said what I meant and what I was feeling. Pearls are supposed to symbolize innocence and purity.” He took a deep breath. “Byron told me—don’t be mad at him; I forced it out of him—that you were worried that what happened to you meant that you weren’t a virgin anymore.” 

It was my turn to take a sharp breath. “A little worried,” I agreed. 

“A lot worried,” he corrected, and he was right. “But I can see right past that. In some ways, Haley, you’re way too pure, too good for me. But you still considered me anyway. I hope that someday, we can get past all the pain you’ve had.” He paused, and he sounded more tentative again. “Someday, I want to be your first…and I want you to be mine. When we’re ready.” 

I was trying really hard not to cry again, but for the first time in weeks, they were happy tears. “I…I don’t know what to say,” I stammered. 

“Then don’t say anything. It’s okay. I’m not asking you to make promises. I’m just hoping.” 

“Me, too. Me, too.” 

We talked on late into the night.


End file.
